I am writing this to you from the my chambers. The storm that we are in the middle of is one of the biggest I have seen and I doubt we will make it to the Island tonight. The waves rise so high and send shivers down my spine so I scurried back to my chamber and coming here filled me with a strange calm that allowed me to write without shaking, maybe it is my only solace in this sinking ship.
I lived my life in small safe bubbles and knew how to move between them. All of my bubbles were carefully crafted, initially by adults who cared not for me but for order in society and then by myself
Existentialism did not bother me much cause I had everything figured out, I had a plan and it was already in motion. It made me superior and I looked at down on everyone: The religious ones who lay all their burdens on an abstract entity that could come crumbling down on them any second, The intellectuals that grew old in a job held by a thin elastic harness made of gold making fat men fatter, There are the free spirited folk whose living in the moment mantra was overshadowed by the thick cloud of ganja smoke that they used to hide away their sober soul crushed by the heaviness of existence.
Self awareness is scary prospect because it means confronting who you are and climbing down the throne that your miniscule achievements created for yourself. The laurels that will be forgotten by time, attached to a name, A mere sound that will vibrate into the air for the last time before being consumed by silence for eternity.
When you are forced out of your bubble and into the void you are forced to confront the most dangerous thing in existence: Yourself.
Everything I did until now do not mean a thing if the storm kills me now ?! All the sacrifices for the future ! The buckets I left unkicked ! The careful planning ! There are no more years left to plan, no months, no days, mere minutes till the end.
Is “Purpose” just a facade hiding behind an evil monster that only reveals itself when its too late. How do I a plan for a “future” that is nothing but a mere mirage
The winds were strong but the sea had gone strangely quiet. Looking into the horizon I could see my own projection ready to meet the sky, My feet felt cold and wet as the water had entered the ship. I should be shivering but the cold on my skin felt like a touch from the void, I wanted more ! I took off my clothes and stood on the deck with just my socks looking at the crescent curve of the Moon feeling a strange sense of attraction to her for the first time in my life. Maybe she was reaching out to me from the void and touching me with her ice cold fingers.
I felt so very light
I started rising up to her
Then a wave rose above me, it stretched to the moon as if it was trying to steal her from me.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
I let her go.